There’s so much that I want to talk about. So many things I feel like I need to express. Why am I always so sad… why do I always end up alone… why do the people that I like the most never like me back the same way? Why can’t anybody love me? Why do I always feel like I’m on the outside looking In? Why do I always have to make all my friendships sexual? Am I the problem? I can’t be that bad…

I’m treating these blog posts like I would a diary. A place to get everything off my chest, to just talk. To get into my head and talk about all the traumas. Trust me there’s a list. And we’ll get through that list. I need to get through that list maybe it will help me understand. But honestly I feel so lost, and I’ve felt lost my whole life. I’ve never had something that I truly believed belonged to me. Never anything that was truly meant for me. I’m tired of making mistakes and now that I’m waking up and taking. The wheels of my life I’m being faced with a lot of those mistakes and I hate it. I hate them all. I hate myself. How am I supposed to grow into a better version of myself if I don’t even know who the real me is and the me I’m aware of is a filthy whore. A disgusting person inside and out. Why am I always so sad? Why do I have to leave them before they leave me? Why can’t I just be happy? Why does everything have to be so painful? I wonder where I would be if I had made some very different choices.

How can anybody love me if I don’t Even love myself… if my parents couldn’t even bring themselves to do it.

I just want a better life. I’m a good person I promise I just want to love, I just want love. Why can’t anybody love me ?